Andy flew back to Munich early Sunday morning after a three day visit, leaving me with a week of packing up my life here in Spain before flying out to London Friday morning. A goodbye dinner with some friends is scheduled in for Thursday night but bar that, nothing. Malaga is one of those cities where most people come for just 6-12 months. As a local for nearly 10 now it means I’ve been through an entire cycle of making new friends and saying goodbye to them and with leaving soon I can’t be bothered to make any more. The remaining crew have actual jobs and I have a lot to do before I leave. I’ll use the time of being alone, in my house, with my work, until Thursday night to be super productive.
I head to my favourite cafe where I sit all day. They don’t mind, they know me. People buzzing around is nice but the house is cold and quiet when I get back. I grab my second pizza of the year because the fridge is empty and curl up on the couch. It’s been a long time since I watched an episode of Californication…
Californication is seriously such a good show. I watch it while ‘eating lunch’ and then again after making a big dinner. I’ve emailed a couple of people today, done some serious work on an event I’m managing and now, maybe, will head to bed to do some reading…
I say all this to myself. Out loud. In the kitchen as I dump saucepans and plates into the sink. Before looking around my empty apartment to see if anyone heard me.
I am so fucking sick of inspiration.
Here is a list of things that have had all the inspiration they once contained mined out of them:
– Thomas Edison and his 5 million attempts at the light bulb,
– Einstein’s theories on 1% knowledge, 99% perspiration. Or maybe Newton said this. Some scientist with a huge brain anyway, doesn’t really matter who right?
– Hellen Keller feeling things with her heart
– Audrey Hepburn’s advice on how to be beautiful inside and out (why couldn’t she just write, ‘Be flukily BORN that way bitch.’ and be done with it?)
– Michael Jordan forgetting how many basketball shots he’s missed in his lifetime
– George Eliot’s thought that it’s never too late to be what you might have been. Some ideas on things it’s too late to be already: Gold medallist triathlete. Ballerina. Youngest person to ever cross the atlantic on a yacht. Just off the top of my head.
– How to be innovative like Steve Jobs
– Robert Frost’s road less travelled. There are a HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE on the road less travelled right now and they’ve all started a blog / webinar / speaking tour to help more people travel the road less travelled with them. The road less travelled is now, officially, travelled.
– COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL LESS-THAN-10 WORD STATEMENTS ON PRETTY BACKGROUNDS:
When I was a Pastor in a pentacostal church
Gah! That moment when you lose your keys! Or think you’ve left your wallet somewhere… or throw your iPhone into a rubbish bin. *cough cough*
Maybe you’ve never had that last one happen to you but I’m sure you know the feeling of searching. The feeling of not having something that you need and there’s no immediate way to grasp it. Keys are just the beginning. Jobs. Boyfriends. Answers.
After years of searching, first for approval, then love, then answers, I thought I was all done! Until I realised I still had searching for myself, meaning of life and purpose to go!! So by now searching and its tensions are pretty familiar to me. I think we’re always Searching for Something on some level. And you know, actually, I’ve learned to appreciate it.
There’s something about The Search, the openness, vulnerability and instability of it that makes me feel alive. It reminds me that there’s something more for me in the future than what I have at present. The Search Is Hope.
Still, it’s uncomfortable. And it can jiggle your world in sometimes unsustainable ways. When the uncomfortableness of a Search gets too much, we tend to grasp at anything. A job we don’t really want. A person who’s not quite right. An answer, a group or a meaning that just bandaids the yawning questions.
Here is how I’ve learned to release the tension of searching, just for a while, so my heart can relax for a moment. Use a combination of these things to give your heart a break from the tension of searching, so you can muster the courage to continue all the way to the end… all the way to the place you were really looking for.Read More