The time has come to admit to myself that after four gin and tonics and a couple of tequila shots I am not actually the next Beyonce gracing the dance floor. This reality was driven home to me recently when I was sent a video of myself dancing with some friends on a boat party. At first, I was all like, ‘Who’s that annoying girl flicking her hair around and thinking she’s an awesome dancer?’ Then I was all like, ‘I want to die and be reincarnated as a caterpillar.’
It cuts deep, really, but there it is.
Unfortunately, knowing this reality sober and acting on it after a *few* rounds of shots are two different things. What I need are clear boundaries that even vodka-addled brain synapses can process.
Therefore, here are four dance moves I have officially banned from my dance lexicon. This should wipe out at least 50% of the idiot things I do when the ‘you’re-not-as-awesome-as-you-think-you-are filter’ is clogged with Peach Schnapps. I think I’ll keep the other 50%. I have to have something to cut back on in my 30’s.
1. Cross-knee Legged Thingy
Was it Patrick Swayze who did this first? I feel like it was him or the guy who came up with the Staying Alive move. Either way, I’m not sure exactly why I practiced it for hours as a teenager in front of the bedroom mirror. It’s like it had some sort of magic trick property to it, the way the hands swapped from the knees almost without doing anything. It could have been cool, but its a decade too late.
2. Booty Shaking
I have actually had a friend of mine, a black friend of mine no less (it’s okay to be racist when you mean it as a compliment), marvel at the fact that I can shake my booty. Especially when I’m wearing this little white skirt I bought in Greece with the three layers of frill on it. It practically dances itself.
I think the problem is that no-one shakes their booty anymore. Or that I have white skin. Possibly a combination of both.
3.Backwards Bending Shimmies
I can bend backwards. In 6 inch pump heels. It’s something I think people might like to see combined with a shimmy. I don’t know why I think this.
4. Irish Jigs
Don’t act like you’re surprised this is in my dance lexicon.
As if you’ve never heard a song on a packed dance floor in a beach club along the Costa del Sol that sounds ever so slightly like something from Lord Of The Dance and been possessed by Michael Flatly and whatever that red head girls name was. Did you manage a scissor-kick finale in wedge heeeeeels???
Am very much hoping there’s someone else out there who also needs to join the Dance Move Detox…?