How To Be A Douchebag, #2

Posted on Mar 31, 2013 in Me | 2 comments

I’m currently looking for a new flatmate.

This is not an advertisement for you to come live with me but as you can see here, I have clearly displayed the entire apartment in photos and said that I am looking for a long term girl to share with.

Yesterday, I received this message.


Three reasons straight away this person is infuriating:

1) No ESSENTIAL details.  What date are you arriving?  How long are you staying for?  Do you want the double room or the single room?

2) SMSing.  Why choose SMS to communicate?  It’s not included in my phone plan, too small to say anything decent and beeps twice when I don’t attend to a new text within 2 minutes of arrival.

3) The response, ‘For a while‘… what do you want me to say this?  “Okay then well come on in for as long as you want, random person who may be a male, female or adrogenous cyborg.”

But their second response really made me laugh, because, well the thing I need to know the most about a potential flatmate is whether they’re good looking or not.


No, no, I want you to send me an email, like a normal person.  Why are you asking for pictures?  They’re on the website you got my number from.  And a photo of me!?  A PHOTO OF ME!?

Now, I’m not sure if this person has created a fictional world just in their head or if they are actually a completely fictional character invented by a funny friend but here’s the email I sent in response.

– – – – –

Hi Hanna!

It’s Clair from Calle Beatas.  Nice to meet you!  Sounds exciting coming to Malaga to start up a business.

Attached is a picture of the the second bedroom of the apartment because that was the only one not available on the advertisement.  You might want to rearrange things… I’m not fussy, totally up to you.



YES there is a terrace! Unfortunately the only photo I have of it, the other two flatmates are in it but hopefully you can get a good idea even with their faces…  you know how it is in Spain, everyone needs somewhere to crash!


Also I’m so glad to hear that you’re good looking.  I really don’t like hanging around ugly people.  As requested, here is a photo of me.  I’m exercising 😉


Let me know if you’re keen.



– – – – –

Then I sent it and posted this blog.  Which means they, whoever they are, are possibly reading this right now.

If so, here are three reasons why we will never be flatmates:


1) You don’t use smiley faces in your text messages.  I can’t understand what anyone is trying to say unless there’s at least 3 emoticons in the sentence, one of them the smiling pile of poo. The other one the monkey with its hands over its mouth. 

2) You live in a fictional world where people like you.  I live in the real world where people like you don’t like me.

3) You sound like the kind of person who is going to show up on my doorstep with 5 bags of luggage and lots of stories about your latest capital raising venture, fully expecting me to be grateful for having you land within my vicinity.  Refer to point 2.


If you’re offended by this, just a word of advice.  Don’t comment on the bottom of the blog or facebook post like the last person I anonymously offended with a blog post.  Right now no one knows who you are, including me.  Feel free to keep it that way.


To friends and readers, I am aware of the irony of a rude blog post bemoaning rude people.   Sometimes in life you have to make your own fun.  But feel free to ‘give me a piece of your mind’ about it anyway. 

Bit of light reading over your coffee?

  • I am so tempted to message you posing as a dougebag haha x

    • I was excited at the thought I had friends that creative!! And with that much headspace to bother… but no. She’s a real person it seems.