I Regret Saving Sex for Marriage

Posted on Nov 4, 2012 in God | 6 comments

Just read that in Week 11 of the Alpha Course, Nicky Gumbel says he has never met a person who said “I regretted waiting until my wedding day to have sex.” Unfortunately I didn’t get to meet you Nicky when I attended Week 2 of the Alpha Course recently in London at HTB Church but, perhaps in these modern times of social media and Web 2.0, a blog in response to something you’ve said will suffice?

Nicky, I absolutely 100% regret waiting until my wedding day to have sex.

So… now you’ve met someone who has regretted it, I’ll give you the reasons that if I had my time over I would sleep with my boyfriend when I felt ready.

1. Your wedding night does not necessarily translate to “You are ready for sex” night.

If you’ve done it like the church says to (as we did), you’ll both be virgins who have never watched porn.  I, personally, had never even seen a “happy-thing-thing” before.  I was exhausted, nervous and believed sex was some magical unification of two spirits into one.  Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed.

Being married and being ready for sex are two completely different things and it’s completely unhelpful to tied the two of them together.

2. It makes you get married very young without living together beforehand. 

It doesn’t have to be but typically the culture of no sex before marriage = get married. Most people in our church were married by age 23. If you were over 25 and not married, you were a little weird.

From a broader perspective, it seems to be that people have an early-20′s relationships that most often doesn’t work out. You feel like you’re in love and it’s forever but then you discover that you (or he) are not who you thought you were, you move on and find someone else. The problem with the Christian setting is that this relationships ends up being a marriage…

 

There’s a number of studies suggesting getting married lower creates higher divorce rates, with all the emotional trauma and social stigma that goes along with that.  I deal with this every time I meet someone new and we get to the whole ‘previous relationships’ part of our discussion.  “Well, I’m divorced…

3. A decade or so of sexual restraint is mentally difficult to get over.

This isn’t the church’s intent but it’s just how psychologically we work.  You tell your brain for your adult life “Don’t think that, it’s bad”, “Touching that is wrong”, “Feeling that sensation is a sin” then, all of a sudden, in one day it’s allowed and the neural brain connections have to be changed. Aside from the mental associations made between naughty = sexy (and therefore, not naughty = not sexy) what I learnt later is that good sex is about confidence.  It’s difficult to be confident when you’re battling self-restraint and from a very unscientific survey of Christian and non-Christian friends alike, it breeds boringness in the bedroom.

There’s only so far you can take ‘you’ll work it out together because you love each other’. Anyone who has ever said this, has only ever had sex with one person (or less). You don’t know any better.  You don’t realise that there are sexual connections out there that have absolutely nothing to do with how much you know or love a person. You don’t know that it’s possible to have a connection like that AND know and love the person. You’ll never know, which is sad.

I’m not for a minute advocating that if someone has sex before marriage it will be good sex.  I’m just saying that sex, in reality, is not this mystical joining of two spirits even when used in the context and manner the fundamentalist church says it should be.  And I’m speaking from experience.

If I was to live my time over, knowing what I know now, I would choose to have my first time around 18-20 years old with a guy I’d been dating for about 6 months.   And preferably he would not be a virgin, so he would be able to guide it a little bit.  I doubt we would stay together or get married but that’s fine, because then I’d meet other people who’d do it differently and hopefully a couple of particularly special ones on the way.  I’d also get to, occasionally, frankly just enjoy a good shag without all the mumbo jumbo.

I don’t feel my soul is torn apart because I’ve had multiple sexual partners and I don’t have an empty soul I’m trying to fill with sex – I just genuinely like it.

At least… I do now that I’ve had it with more than one person.

 

*This blog has been updated with edits since it’s first edition

Bit of light reading over your coffee?

  • http://live.huffingtonpost.com Felicia

    Hi Clair,

    I recently read your blogpost, “I Regret Saving Sex for Marriage” and LOVED it! HuffPost Live is hosting a discussion about celibacy, and we’d love to have you join us as a guest via webcam. Our segment streams TOMORROW (11/30/2012) at 5:30pm EST. Would you be interested in participating? If so, please email me at felicia.kelley@huffingtonpost.com. Thanks!

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  • http://www.facebook.com/jo.changsek Jo Changsek

    Hi, just found this post by doing a little googling. I feel for the poster Jackie. I’ll give you a male perspective on the whole purity propaganda. I don’t know what this alpha course is, but I’m pretty sure it included some kind of pledge, right? Well, likewise I pledged not to have sex until marriage in my teens. I was a virgin. And I was holding out for God to give me a good wife. So I waited. And waited. And waited. One day I woke up a 26-year-old virgin. It is especially not cool to be a virgin at that age. I left the church thereafter, bitter and disillusioned about what I had been taught was “truth”. I eventually lost my virginity to a fat cow that was willing to do it. I felt betrayed…and sick to my stomach. Even now, I feel worthless, like no pretty lady would want to have sex with me. Indeed, the few people that I’ve had sex with were fat, unattractive women who I had no plans to marry or even have a romantic relationship with. I’m really pissed at the fuckin’ purity culture for all of their bullshit lies and fairy tale happily-ever-afters. That’s not reality. That’s not the way the world works. Hell, that’s not even in the Bible! I now know most figures in the Bible (especially the Old Testament) were polygamists, and a quite a few of them (like Judah and Samson) had sex outside of marriage, with no mention of sin! I was infuriated when I found out that premarital sex isn’t as clearly defined as sin as most preachers pretend it is. If I was to live my time over, knowing what I know now, I would choose to have my first time around 14 or 15, with a hot girl in school – with or without any attachment. Hey, at least she would’ve been good-looking instead of the ugly sluts I’ve screwed. I’m so unhappy with my life like Jackie. Most of the women around my age group are divorced, or a cougar. Great. Let’s see…gave up a lot of potential pleasure in my youth, and in return got shit for it. God damn it…

    • http://www.msclair.com/ MsClair

      Jo,

      I have two words for you.

      Hugh Heffner.

      You’re never too old. Yep you believed a fairy tale for the first 25 years of your life but that doesn’t mean you have to be miserable the next 25 years.

      Give yourself some respect. The only reason I can see at the moment why no pretty lady would want to have sex with you (aside from the fact that you call them ‘pretty ladies’) is that you consider most of them fat sluts. Which says to me you might benefit from going to the gym and looking yourself in the mirror in the morning and saying “I’m a great guy!”

      Give the women around you some respect too. I bet if we met you’d want to shag me. Surprise though, I’m divorced and have a boyfriend younger than me which technically makes me a… how did you put it? Cougar?

      If you’d had sex when you were 15, you’ve technically only missed a decade. Don’t let the next 4 decades pass you by! There won’t be a religion to blame at the end of it.

      Xx

      Clair

      • http://www.facebook.com/jo.changsek Jo Changsek

        Hi Clair. Thanks for the thoughtful response. My apologies if I was too forward or vulgar in that post, but I needed to get that off my chest. You are right when you say that I have low self-esteem (okay, you didn’t actually say that, but I think it was implied). When I wrote this post earlier this week, I was at a point where I was really, really pissed about life and disappointed over loss. About your reply: I don’t consider most ladies ‘fat sluts’. Some are, but perhaps I was making a generalization of the women I’ve been with. And what made you think I was fat just because I called these other people fat? I’m actually quite thin. I could show you a pic with my shirt off. I could hit the gym, though, haven’t been in a while. What’s wrong with calling pretty ladies “pretty ladies”? Oh, and about what you said: “I bet if we met you’d want to shag me”, YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT! I don’t know if your BF is going to see this, but just name the time and place! I have a thing for pretty white girls and I just want to fuck their brains out (there was one gal that I talked to today that had these cute little short-shorts (gotta love the warmer weather) and…let’s just say their is something to be said about restraint and self-control). Let see, you are divorced and you have a boy toy. Yeah, you’d qualify as a cougar, but you’d be one of the coolest. With missing only a decade, what a decade to miss out on! Pussy won’t be that good again, nor will things be that simple as reckless adolescent abandon. I’d still use a condom and practice safer sex, mind you. Ugh, I’m telling you, I wouldn’t have even stepped into a church until I was 30. Speaking of which, I’ve learned a lot about Christianity and the hidden stuff, and it’s fascinating to say the least! Like I said, premarital sex is not a sin, which infuriates me because all this time this fairy tale religion was telling me I would go to hell if I porked someone’s daughter, looked at porn or masturbated (which I still do frequently). Or, and I love this one, I date a “worldly” woman. Hell, I’m at the point where I doubt hell as we know it today even exists, or even care if it does. No more! I’m done having other people tell me (in the word’s of Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator) “what to do, what to think and what to feel!” I’m a human being – GODDAMNIT!! My life has value! I’m determined to find what I’m looking for. I am not going to let religion be a crutch for me or be my excuse.Thanks for this media that allows me to communicate with someone that I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to communicate with, and for the honest feedback.

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  • Jackie

    Hi Clair, I too regret waiting till marriage. I did the alpha course a number of years ago and I too remember what nicky gumble said about how he has not met someone who regrets waiting till marriage. I wish that I was able to meet him so that he can’t band that around anymore.

    The problem is it that it can result in people that are sexually incompatible being stuck in marriage. I have found this and as a result I have lost my faith and now feel resentlful towards the church for me folowing an outdated idea which has lead me to be living a very unhappy life.

  • Clair

    Hey Jackie,

    I’m so sorry to hear there’s other people out there with the same experience and at the same time comforted to know it’s not just me! If I do get near Nicky Gumbel I will let him know there’s at least two of us!

    Mostly sad though that it’s led to you still leading an unhappy life… what’s holding you back from making the changes necessary for a happy one??

    X

    Clair