I am so fucking sick of inspiration.
Here is a list of things that have had all the inspiration they once contained mined out of them:
– Thomas Edison and his 5 million attempts at the light bulb,
– Einstein’s theories on 1% knowledge, 99% perspiration. Or maybe Newton said this. Some scientist with a huge brain anyway, doesn’t really matter who right?
– Hellen Keller feeling things with her heart
– Audrey Hepburn’s advice on how to be beautiful inside and out (why couldn’t she just write, ‘Be flukily BORN that way bitch.’ and be done with it?)
– Michael Jordan forgetting how many basketball shots he’s missed in his lifetime
– George Eliot’s thought that it’s never too late to be what you might have been. Some ideas on things it’s too late to be already: Gold medallist triathlete. Ballerina. Youngest person to ever cross the atlantic on a yacht. Just off the top of my head.
– How to be innovative like Steve Jobs
– Robert Frost’s road less travelled. There are a HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE on the road less travelled right now and they’ve all started a blog / webinar / speaking tour to help more people travel the road less travelled with them. The road less travelled is now, officially, travelled.
– COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL LESS-THAN-10 WORD STATEMENTS ON PRETTY BACKGROUNDS:
When I was a Pastor in a pentacostal church (gawd but I’m loving saying that sentence more and more lately), someone had to give an inspirational message every weekend to the same bunch of happy-clappers. Actually, most of us went twice a weekend so that meant someone had to come up with something inspirational and life-enhancing twice every single week. And here’s what we had to use: one book, one goddam book peoples, with about 150 characters and stories to choose from. Any examples outside of this had to be houdini-d back to a biblical message (SLASH something modern or life enhancing that is appealing to the 21st Century masses but that Jesus never actually said or cared about. Example: “living your best life”.).
Some preachers had been doing this nearly 40 years, week in and week out. Yes, we heard the same stories over and over, yes Numbers is a complete waste of bible words cos there’s no goddamn stories to wrestle a freakin’ message from but we made the best of what we had, you know? Even Revelation got a look-in. It’s not easy to bring a life-relevant message from descriptions of a four-headed angel, many eyed, winged creatures or hot coals touching body parts but WE DID IT. We did it, peoples, because we had to and we believed in our message.
You – world at large, secular writers and heathen readers – you have 250 billion-something years of stories to choose from, hundreds of religions and myths and leaders and failures and quotes and wars and books – oh my god, so many books! – would you just leave Eistein and Audrey and Jobs alone please?