I’m stalking a Mac Store. In the rain.
The train to Zurich leaves at 2:30pm today and I’m hoping, practically praying, my early rising and piety will impress the gods. Anxiously, I stare up the wall of glass to the looming, illuminated white half-bitten apple logo as if it were the cross – a symbol of my salvation.
Surely, they can raise my Notes from the dead. If anyone can, the red shirted demi-gods contained within can help me. Their elixirs will sooth my iPhone’s refusal to rise after its third waterboarding in a toilet bowl, even just for a moment so I can synchronise and save my data from eternity in oblivion.
Apparently my last ‘automatic update’ to iCloud was in October and somehow only managed to capture about 50% of it. An impressive error for a software which, in my civilian ignorance I assume by its very nature only does what it’s told. In this case, ‘back up my most important data’. This apparently doesn’t include the past 3 months work on a book aka: irreplaceable inspiration.
The pre-day huddle of red shirted Smurfs inside breaks and I dash across the square. The gods are pleased! 7am alarm clock WORTH IT! A bearded elf escorts me to the Genius Bar where no less than 5 geniuses are customer-less. Inglorious riches! Like discovering $20 in the pocket of your winter jacket.
Mid-fantasy of all the things I could get 5 geniuses to do with my Mac products at once I’m introduced to “Oli”; the iPhone specialist. My ailing phone is laid at his feet and faith fills my eyes. I’m like the Commander Soldier before Jesus. Just say the word Oli and my phone will be healed. I believe in you. I get a wary look before it is whisked off behind the Curtain of Oz.
In his biography, Steve Jobs’ is quoted as saying “But you can’t call them Geniuses!” on the suggestion of using the term ‘Genius Bar’ for the repair area. “They’re geeks!” Watching the rotund belly of the other genius two metres away move up and down with his explanation of something i-phoney to the middle-aged lady on the other side of the counter, I’m suddenly overwhelmed with a gratefulness for geeks.
Call them geniuses, wizards, even priests, whatever you want, I don’t care. Geeks are surely more socially-useful than priests these days. Let them put a Mc before their name, like a Doctor, and wear a gold ring with apples on it. I’ll kiss it. Just get me my Notes back.
Third party repairers quoted a week, another one three days and finally one took just 2 hours to take a look at my phone and find out whether it was redeemable. Oli, in his wonderfully geeky Appley way, takes 5 minutes.
It’s dead. In the un-raisable sort of way.
Oli thinks it’ll be more than a 1000 euro to recover the data but first we’ll check if my Airbook just happened to back up to itself, rather than the iCloud. I’m given a new iPhone for 150 euro (wha-at? yes!) and spend a nervous 5 minutes watching an apparent synchronisation from the 12th December take place.
And there, there at the bottom of a notes titled ‘Book’ is my most recent burst of inspiration.
Apple, I am yours. I will never cheat on you. I will never have an affair on you with other platforms or hardware. I will never wait 3 days for an external Supplier to refer me to a specialist who has no record of the fact I bought the phone in Australia and attempts to charge me for his time. I am a devoted follower of you Mac. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
– – –
Although a niggling, worrying thought stays with me on the train ride home. Is the failure of iCloud to Actually Do What It Says the first crack in the demise of a company now Founderless? Does whats-his-name-who-took-over-from-Steve have the balls to ask “What’s it supposed to do?” and on receiving the answer respond “And why the fuck doesn’t it do that?” after which promptly firing the Team Leader like he did for MobileMe? Can he cut through the bullshit to continue to maintain 10 minute service times and 5 second load ups?? Is this ship’s Captain at the wheel or DRUNK IN CABIN!?!
Maybe he needs me to send him an email and let him know how close I nearly came to my old Microsoft experiences.