So I’ve been holding back on this blog for about, oh 2 years, cos, well, I was a little shy.
But just yesterday I had another comment on this article about saving sex for marriage from a guy who regretted it and it made me decide to share this. Cos maybe if I speak honestly about this stuff, someone out there will actually believe me (and all the other people leaving comments) and save themselves the heartache that comes.
As you all know I saved sex for marriage and Would Not Do That Again, even if that wasn’t a physical impossibility.
A year or so ago, the Huffington Post invited me as the Pro-sex Before Marriage advocate on a discussion generated from an article written by this brave but completely sheltered lady, Evette Holyfield.
Surprise, surprise her father influenced her decision to save sex for The One.
“We grew up in a Christian home. When I was around six years old, my dad said to me, “You don’t need to have sex outside of marriage.” He went through the whole spiel with me. So as I grew up, I thought, okay dad, if you don’t want me to do it, I’m not gonna do it. Then I started to really understand church – the words in the Bible and what the pastor is really saying. At that point, I wasn’t just doing it because my dad said don’t, but rather, I now believe that by waiting, God will bless me and bring me a great husband.”
I don’t suppose anyone has pointed out to her that God nor the bible ever promised that waiting to have sex until marriage would bring her a great husband…
…but I do hope it happens for her either way.
The problem with this sort of stuff is that it makes other young people feel guilty for not being as ‘pure’ by saving sex for marriage.
And I say, that’s enough of that.
The discussions behind the scenes of that Huffington Post panel were, for me, quite shocking.
If you’re going to go on national television with an opinion, you kinda wanna make sure it’s informed.
They had quite literally never come across someone who could confidently say ‘Tried that whole saving sex for marriage thing! Wasn’t so great.’
I was bombarded with questions that reminded me of all the things I had also thought about sex before marriage… before I got married and actually had sex.
So here are all the things I remembered that sheltered people believe about sex and saving it for marriage.
And here’s my response to those, now having been on both sides of the equation.
Just as a clarification:
I’m not saying you should have sex before marriage. There are loads of people out there, religious or not, who only ever have sex with the one person.
I’m AM saying that you should do what is right for you and not what the rest of the people around you say is right for you, even if they’re your parents or parental figures or gods representative or whats-it. Cos at the end of the day They Are Not You and – shock – You Are A Unique Person.
So… work it out for yourselves, lovelies.
Er… this is like saying you should only eat vanilla ice cream because if you try raspberry you might realize you like it more.
Listen, YOU WANT TO KNOW YOU LIKE RASPBERRY ICE CREAM MORE.
Raspberry ice cream is awesome! It’s a little bitey and unpredictable and has these bits that get stuck in your teeth that you’re thinking about for days afterwards…
Secondly, let’s say hypothetically you’ve had raspberry ice-cream before but vanilla ice-cream goes better with everything else on your plate for the rest of your life. You don’t have to live with Vanilla every single night…
Now that you’ve had raspberry you know how to bring it’s bity-ness to the table. Yep! You can make a delicious raspberry and vanilla ice cream dessert one night and maybe chuck some passionfruit puree on the top another. And maybe your partner has discovered he likes nuts so he brings those for a big nutty, vanilla swirl.
On the kitchen bench.
Thirdly, this was clearly said by someone who feels like they are terrible in bed and is hugely insecure about it.
There’s no such thing as a hierarchy of sex.
Everyone does it, and likes it, differently and it’s different with everyone! You can be the Queen of the Sac with one guy and a hugely awkward starfish with another – it doesn’t mean you or he is bad in bed, it just means you’re not compatible. Mint ice cream and raspberry ice cream are awesome separately but don’t match together.
For me, anyway. I’m sure there’s someone walking Oxford Street who swears by it.
Okay so 80% of people have mouth ulcers aka: HERPES OF THE MOUTH and we’re not saving that particular contraction for marriage, so could we all take a breather and relax on the STD witch-hunt please!?
This is what condoms are for peoples.
More importantly, and on a grave subject, I know two Christian girls who had abortions because every time they had sex with their boyfriend was ‘the last time’ so they were never prepared for the next time.
They were already feeling guilty for sleeping with their boyfriend – imagine the guilt over an abortion once the shock started to wear off and they began processing what they’d done…
(Side note: Do you reckon Christian culture could use some re-thinking around an environment so ‘loving’ a girl would override her conscience to the point of abortion rather than suffer the humiliation of being found out to not be The Perfect Christian?)
Anyway, the point is, attempting to NOT have sex, can actually result in a higher amount of unprotected sex.
You won’t get AIDs or pregnant if you’re approaching the whole she-bang with a bit of maturity, otherwise known as a condom.
Don’t think about a pink elephant. No seriously, stop thinking about it. Bad you! STOP! Pink elephants!!!! STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM!!!!
Welcome to being in a relationship where you’re not allowed to have sex.
You think about it… ALL. THE. TIME.
You fantasize about it.
You imagine what it’ll be like when you do get to have sex. Where you’re going to do it. How you’re going to do it. What it’ll feel like.
You’re a veritable porn site of imaginary, fantastical, completely ridiculous sexual fantasies that will haunt you after you actually do it with their movie-like innocence.
There’s no room for anything in there except when your wedding day is going to be. So you can have sex on your wedding night. Juuust like Brad Pitt and Rose Byrne in the movie Troy… Surrrrrre.
Firstly: NOT having sex distracts you from really getting to know a person.
Secondly: if you find someone who you can’t get to know very well because you’re too busy having loads of sex… This. Is. Not. A. Bad. Thing. Cling. Hard. And never let go.
Thirdly: sex is something you want to know about a person before you commit to doing it only with them for the ressssssst of your liiiiiiiiiiiife… Just sayin’.
Break ups are hard, period. But it’s not about sex.
It’s about your heart.
If you’re the type of person who can’t separate the two, then yes, save sex until you trust them with your heart.
I know girls who have been more hurt by a guy they had only sent a few text messages with than by one they had sex with. Actually, come to think of it, that was the same girl.
Having sex with someone as a purely recreational activity is possible and breaking up with them is not difficult at all. You just stop answering their calls at 3am after a night out. Or get the next train to Budapest.
Giving yourself to someone who is unworthy is a valid concern but it’s not protected against by not having sex with them.
Sex and heartache are two different things.
Four more shatterings of innocent beliefs coming next week… (Ahh I know you wanted the rest now but heeeyy, it’s a long one! And I know you’ll be back cos it’s about sex and they’re always the most popular blogs. And I like to stretch out the writing so that Facebook stops reminding me that I haven’t put a bloody post up recently… on that note, if you want to get the next instalment direct to your inbox, the box for your email address is over there ———>)
See you next week!